20 July 2011
Meeting adjourned
H had been doing pretty well lately. However, i just got off the phone with her. She was in a meeting and suddenly flipped out and started yelling around about her coworkers and boss being against her and all that. She's still at work and more rational but in the bathroom crying. She told me not to come up there that she had to go back inside. Who knows what will come of this, but definitely nothing good at this point. Fuck.
11 July 2011
small update
So, a few weeks ago we went to the ER because H was having difficulty breathing, and i was concerned that it was due to an interaction between Haldol and Geodon. The ER doctor temporarily took her off the Haldol until she could see her psychiatrist. Now she's back on it, at half her miniscule dosage. Things are more or less fine. No voices and few hallucinations. Hooray!
24 June 2011
Turned away
So i worked a late shift on Sunday night. I got home around 2am. H said the next day that Victor was being really crazy and trying to scare her. She heard the doorknob rattling as if someone was trying to get in, but it was just an auditory hallucination. She was in a bad state and resumed cutting herself with her insulin needles. Obviously, the cuts are only skin deep. No big deal, really, but she told me that she'd had some suicidal ideation. However, she said she didn't try to act on it; it was only fleeting. This whole business kind of went on and she'd cut herself again and finally i decided i'd had it with the whole mess and told her she was definitely going into the hospital, where i assumed they'd keep for another 4-5 days like the last couple of times.
I did a little bit of punching, too. Not her! Christ, no! I punched the trash can, and i think that was the day i head-butted my PC (which is running just fine, more or less, thanks). I also somehow bruised my knee. I think it was on a door. Oh and i threw my mouse pretty hard down the hallway. Frustration got the better of me.
Shortly before we were to head out the door, she had to take some insulin and did it right in front of me. She didn't appear to know what she was doing. She seemed automatic and not present. When we got outside, she went in one direction while i went another. I got in the car and made it to where she was, maybe 80 yards away or so.
They didn't keep her this time. I guess they must have had some space issues. They said she didn't fit the criteria for holding her there so they were just gonna release her.
She's now on Haldol in addition to her other meds. She's been a little more stable. I worry about the combination of Haldol and Geodon, because the pharmacist said she had to override it and mark that i had been advised and understood that an interaction can happen resulting in heart arrhythmia. Sigh.
Also, i had to take a third day off of work in as many weeks. We only get one day per month. They were really shitty with me. Just really snotty about it. Fuck 'em. I'll find another job soon i hope. I went ahead and assumed i was fired since they strongly suggested it would happen. Weh.
I did a little bit of punching, too. Not her! Christ, no! I punched the trash can, and i think that was the day i head-butted my PC (which is running just fine, more or less, thanks). I also somehow bruised my knee. I think it was on a door. Oh and i threw my mouse pretty hard down the hallway. Frustration got the better of me.
Shortly before we were to head out the door, she had to take some insulin and did it right in front of me. She didn't appear to know what she was doing. She seemed automatic and not present. When we got outside, she went in one direction while i went another. I got in the car and made it to where she was, maybe 80 yards away or so.
They didn't keep her this time. I guess they must have had some space issues. They said she didn't fit the criteria for holding her there so they were just gonna release her.
She's now on Haldol in addition to her other meds. She's been a little more stable. I worry about the combination of Haldol and Geodon, because the pharmacist said she had to override it and mark that i had been advised and understood that an interaction can happen resulting in heart arrhythmia. Sigh.
Also, i had to take a third day off of work in as many weeks. We only get one day per month. They were really shitty with me. Just really snotty about it. Fuck 'em. I'll find another job soon i hope. I went ahead and assumed i was fired since they strongly suggested it would happen. Weh.
10 June 2011
Addendum
So last night was not pleasant, but my simplified, condensed version was a little dramatic, not to mention how bent out of shape i was at the time i typed it. Suffice it to say that H and i were both a little unprepared for each other's reactions. She was, in her own words, being a brat (really, i would say not so much a brat but just a little needy and whiny), and i was being negatively defensive. We both became hypersensitive and things got blown out of proportion.
I did kick the hell out of the baby-gate, and i did noisily throw the hell out of the trash into the dumpster. I did yell a bit. She did cry. I did hand her the phone, angered that she implied that i had injured her by applying peroxide to her fresh cuts, which she did lock herself in the bathroom to apply, leaving me to attempt to force my way in to stop her from doing so. She did open the door while i was making this attempt.
We did apologize to one another.
Such is stress. Things get out of hand, exacerbated by this intense thing she is experiencing, which seems now to be a combination of schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder. I get overly frustrated.
To be honest, i thought that things would get better as i started working and bringing in a little income to help with the bills, but in reality, i am more unavailable, and have in fact yet to see my first check, much less my first full paycheck, which will rarely ever have full-time hours posted within.
Also i have been rather sick lately, and working in a very hot environment. The car's timing belt is in dire need of repair, and thanks to the design of the New Beetle's engine, if it breaks it could cause serious engine damage which we cannot afford. So along with that worry, i take my breaks in a hot, non- air-conditioned vehicle, parked out in the hot summer sun. I come home worn the fuck out and having to face the painful reality of her mental state is not at all a welcome respite from anything.
Even so, i overreacted badly. Everything is a learning experience now.
I did kick the hell out of the baby-gate, and i did noisily throw the hell out of the trash into the dumpster. I did yell a bit. She did cry. I did hand her the phone, angered that she implied that i had injured her by applying peroxide to her fresh cuts, which she did lock herself in the bathroom to apply, leaving me to attempt to force my way in to stop her from doing so. She did open the door while i was making this attempt.
We did apologize to one another.
Such is stress. Things get out of hand, exacerbated by this intense thing she is experiencing, which seems now to be a combination of schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder. I get overly frustrated.
To be honest, i thought that things would get better as i started working and bringing in a little income to help with the bills, but in reality, i am more unavailable, and have in fact yet to see my first check, much less my first full paycheck, which will rarely ever have full-time hours posted within.
Also i have been rather sick lately, and working in a very hot environment. The car's timing belt is in dire need of repair, and thanks to the design of the New Beetle's engine, if it breaks it could cause serious engine damage which we cannot afford. So along with that worry, i take my breaks in a hot, non- air-conditioned vehicle, parked out in the hot summer sun. I come home worn the fuck out and having to face the painful reality of her mental state is not at all a welcome respite from anything.
Even so, i overreacted badly. Everything is a learning experience now.
09 June 2011
none more black
Home from work. Crabby attitude, huh? SCREAMING MATCH THEN. Cutter strikes again. Fuck. Wiping the new cuts with peroxide: i'm hurting you, eh? Here's the phone, call the police. I'll be waiting for them outside.
Ashe gets violent with the dogs' baby-gate and the trash.
FUUUUUCK EVERYTHING.
Ashe gets violent with the dogs' baby-gate and the trash.
FUUUUUCK EVERYTHING.
08 June 2011
The Compromise
...so i immediately got a job. A warehouse job. It's hot, and fairly gruelling, but it's honest damn work, and it beats sitting in a goddamn cubicle defending some asshole corporation against outraged and often selfish customers over a headset. It doesn't pay real well, and the hours are completely unpredictable, ranging somewhere between 9:30am and 10pm. Generally, i only know what my hours even are the day before my shift. Oddly, with hours like these, i'm only part-time.
But like i said, it's honest work. It's work. What else can i say about that?
Anyway, the point was that i had been worrying about how H, who now has a new alter who tries his best to scare her and feed her paranoia, would fare without me being around to help her or guard her against, as it turns out, herself.
And the first few days were not too bad. She has to take a scary taxi home from her job (she doesn't drive and never has), and sometimes she has minor freakouts, which she can usually sort of control with her Xanax and her Ativan.
Then, today, on my day off, she cut herself again. The first time in weeks.
Face, meet palm.
But like i said, it's honest work. It's work. What else can i say about that?
Anyway, the point was that i had been worrying about how H, who now has a new alter who tries his best to scare her and feed her paranoia, would fare without me being around to help her or guard her against, as it turns out, herself.
And the first few days were not too bad. She has to take a scary taxi home from her job (she doesn't drive and never has), and sometimes she has minor freakouts, which she can usually sort of control with her Xanax and her Ativan.
Then, today, on my day off, she cut herself again. The first time in weeks.
Face, meet palm.
29 May 2011
More about Ashe
H. just told me that her psychologist said this was all my fault.
She doesn't agree and was upset by this.
I agree and am upset by this.
She doesn't agree and was upset by this.
I agree and am upset by this.
26 May 2011
Ashe's story
My girlfriend H is very ill.
It all started nearly three years ago. She was experiencing some nervous system disorders. Visual disturbances, trouble walking, et cetera. We went to the ER and the doctor there told us that she had Multiple Sclerosis. She had an MRI done that showed lesions in her brain.
Her first neurologist was convinced that she had a conversion disorder. She was offended. He said that it was something that was usually caused by some sort of childhood trauma.
We found another neurologist, conveniently located in our home town (see below re: our having in fact just moved away).
We had actually just moved a little over an hour away from our home town. She'd never lived that far away before. We're in our thirties. It took several months in this economy, but i finally found a job here, working in a call center, doing hateful, miserable, depressing work. Things weren't going so well for her physically, and i had to take a lot of time off from work. It got down to the wire and so, rather than lose my job, i decided that i should quit instead. I've spent two years since then just trying to do things for her, take care of her, take her to her appointments, to work, help her get around, doing dishes and laundry and cleaning and things (most of the latter bits i'm afraid i am actually quite terrible and infrequent about). She was actually in a wheelchair for some of this time, on and off. She'd also never driven a car, so i have to provide her transportation everywhere she needs to go.
In the meantime, her second neurologist had also been having doubts about her diagnosis. Certain things just didn't fit.
Fast-forward a little over two terrible, agonizing years... she'd reached a devastating crescendo in discomfort and pain and practically unmanageable symptoms. She just wasn't responding positively to her drug regimen. In addition to the usual symptoms, she was also now having spasms, convulsions, and pseudo-epileptic fits. Her neurologist was trying - gently at first, then later on becoming more definite about it - to get her to go to a huge hospital on the extreme northern end of the state we'd just moved south out of. In a fit of panicked desperation, i told the staff that she needed help, in rather tense terms. They made us an appointment, getting us in immediately to this big hospital. It would be terribly costly for us to make the trip, but we did it.
That's when we found out: her original neurologist was basically right. She really didn't have MS at all. She had a somatization disorder. She started therapy soon after.
She's said she's always heard voices in her head. Now they occasionally take over. Sometimes one of them makes her hurt herself. Lately, she's been seeing people who aren't there, and getting a horrifying, paranoid Fear that monsters are going to attack her. She can't take any stress at all. Unfortunately, due to her missing tons of work, her bosses have been somewhat unkind to her of late. This naturally just exacerbates things. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.
I'm actively looking for work again, too, because i know that it will definitely take a lot of strain off of her, but i'm still just terrified of what might happen while i'm away. I mean it will absolutely be my fault if she has a psychotic episode and hurts herself or runs away or does something dreadful.
That's the spot i'm in. Welcome to my nightmare.
It all started nearly three years ago. She was experiencing some nervous system disorders. Visual disturbances, trouble walking, et cetera. We went to the ER and the doctor there told us that she had Multiple Sclerosis. She had an MRI done that showed lesions in her brain.
Her first neurologist was convinced that she had a conversion disorder. She was offended. He said that it was something that was usually caused by some sort of childhood trauma.
We found another neurologist, conveniently located in our home town (see below re: our having in fact just moved away).
We had actually just moved a little over an hour away from our home town. She'd never lived that far away before. We're in our thirties. It took several months in this economy, but i finally found a job here, working in a call center, doing hateful, miserable, depressing work. Things weren't going so well for her physically, and i had to take a lot of time off from work. It got down to the wire and so, rather than lose my job, i decided that i should quit instead. I've spent two years since then just trying to do things for her, take care of her, take her to her appointments, to work, help her get around, doing dishes and laundry and cleaning and things (most of the latter bits i'm afraid i am actually quite terrible and infrequent about). She was actually in a wheelchair for some of this time, on and off. She'd also never driven a car, so i have to provide her transportation everywhere she needs to go.
In the meantime, her second neurologist had also been having doubts about her diagnosis. Certain things just didn't fit.
Fast-forward a little over two terrible, agonizing years... she'd reached a devastating crescendo in discomfort and pain and practically unmanageable symptoms. She just wasn't responding positively to her drug regimen. In addition to the usual symptoms, she was also now having spasms, convulsions, and pseudo-epileptic fits. Her neurologist was trying - gently at first, then later on becoming more definite about it - to get her to go to a huge hospital on the extreme northern end of the state we'd just moved south out of. In a fit of panicked desperation, i told the staff that she needed help, in rather tense terms. They made us an appointment, getting us in immediately to this big hospital. It would be terribly costly for us to make the trip, but we did it.
That's when we found out: her original neurologist was basically right. She really didn't have MS at all. She had a somatization disorder. She started therapy soon after.
She's said she's always heard voices in her head. Now they occasionally take over. Sometimes one of them makes her hurt herself. Lately, she's been seeing people who aren't there, and getting a horrifying, paranoid Fear that monsters are going to attack her. She can't take any stress at all. Unfortunately, due to her missing tons of work, her bosses have been somewhat unkind to her of late. This naturally just exacerbates things. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.
I'm actively looking for work again, too, because i know that it will definitely take a lot of strain off of her, but i'm still just terrified of what might happen while i'm away. I mean it will absolutely be my fault if she has a psychotic episode and hurts herself or runs away or does something dreadful.
That's the spot i'm in. Welcome to my nightmare.
23 May 2011
Itching
Itching. Unrelenting, agonizing, itching.
Pacing. Uncontrollable pacing.
But the itching. The itching....
Pacing. Uncontrollable pacing.
But the itching. The itching....
22 May 2011
monsters
Lately there hasn't been any self-injury. H's psychiatrist and her psychologist now both seem to agree that she is additionally schizophrenic. I hope they're having fun. This seems to be manifesting itself lately through fairly extreme psychotic paranoia. She loses her ability to reason and becomes convinced that, for example, there are voices (often just as she is drifting off to sleep), or that people - or alligators (i couldn't make this shit up if i tried) - might very potentially burst through the bedroom window and chew out her throat. Sometimes she sees her stuffed animals move. Occasionally she thinks i may have take some vague steps against her. It's like the world's most extreme case of severe anxiety.
And no, i am not exaggerating. At all. This crazy-assed fucking shit is true. This shit really happens.
It occurs to me that if anyone should stumble upon this blog and read any of this, they would almost certainly conclude that this is some kind of episodic fiction, possibly deceptively so.
It is not!
However, i am wondering of late whether she may be extremely susceptible to suggestion. I wonder what would happen if her mind-doctors told her, out of the blue, that she was suffering from some made-up mental disorder with a custom, telling set of symptoms. Something that has never actually been observed. Or even something fairly common, but that she definitely couldn't have. I wonder. If it were that easy, maybe they could work their way to suggesting her better. Ha! Right. Nothing is that simple.
This is really beginning to get difficult.
And no, i am not exaggerating. At all. This crazy-assed fucking shit is true. This shit really happens.
It occurs to me that if anyone should stumble upon this blog and read any of this, they would almost certainly conclude that this is some kind of episodic fiction, possibly deceptively so.
It is not!
However, i am wondering of late whether she may be extremely susceptible to suggestion. I wonder what would happen if her mind-doctors told her, out of the blue, that she was suffering from some made-up mental disorder with a custom, telling set of symptoms. Something that has never actually been observed. Or even something fairly common, but that she definitely couldn't have. I wonder. If it were that easy, maybe they could work their way to suggesting her better. Ha! Right. Nothing is that simple.
This is really beginning to get difficult.
10 May 2011
Oh, and there's this
Also: i may be living with a schizophrenic. It gets even weirder still as we plunge down this rabbit hole: it could be that one of her alters is schizo.
Read that again.
Yeah. Yeah that's right. She could well be someone who happens to have several independent personalities, and one of those personalities could possibly have their own mental illnesses, even issues that H, the host, does not herself share.
I'm waiting for the one where one of her alters also has DID and her own set of alters. It seems like that might be next. Then, maybe one of those alters, oh i don't know, gets fucking cancer or something. I dunno.
I appreciate your envy.
Read that again.
Yeah. Yeah that's right. She could well be someone who happens to have several independent personalities, and one of those personalities could possibly have their own mental illnesses, even issues that H, the host, does not herself share.
I'm waiting for the one where one of her alters also has DID and her own set of alters. It seems like that might be next. Then, maybe one of those alters, oh i don't know, gets fucking cancer or something. I dunno.
I appreciate your envy.
08 May 2011
No window-crashing allowed. Or expected, really, if we're being honest.
Today: another break with reality. She picked up a wizard's staff i got from a Ren Faire years ago (long story) and went back to the bedroom with the intention of, i guess, fighting off any potential window-breachers lurking outside, about to pop in on her.
Yeah, uh, that wasn't happening. I grabbed it and put it back. The last thing i need is for her to confuse one of our little dogs with a terrorist threat.
She later said that lorazepam is not really reducing her overall stress level.
Yeah, uh, that wasn't happening. I grabbed it and put it back. The last thing i need is for her to confuse one of our little dogs with a terrorist threat.
She later said that lorazepam is not really reducing her overall stress level.
06 May 2011
The impending threat of toy-nappers
So today was hella weird.
Yeah, this past week she cut her self twice. Whatever. That's old hat now. It's never incredibly bad. It's never life-threatening. It's freaky and it will never stop freaking me out. I think it was just Monday when i repeatedly whacked my head against the heavy wooden coffee table as hard as i could. My head still feels... different, somehow.
But today... wtf. We were watching The Office on DVR. I don't know what happened. Suddenly she was terrified. She thought somebody might come in the windows. She thought they might steal her precious T-Rex. It's her most important object, she told me. (She's 36 years old. I don't think i've mentioned that yet.) I explained that they don't fetch as much on the black market as do things like guitars or HDTV sets. Do you think that mattered at all?
I picture the villain(s) dressed in black turtlenecks, like a bad guy's henchmen from Magnum, P.I. or something. And even though our apartment is on the ground floor, i bet they rappelled down the side of the building, used a diamond-tipped glass cutter to cut a perfectly circular hole in the pane so they could reach in and unlatch the window, all stealthy.
Also: i had to bring her ginger ale out and pour it in front of her so she'd be sure i wasn't poisoning her. Great. I even offered to take the first sip.
A dose of lorazepam later and she's better. But if it gets any worse, she'll have to be hospitalized yet again.
Yeah, this past week she cut her self twice. Whatever. That's old hat now. It's never incredibly bad. It's never life-threatening. It's freaky and it will never stop freaking me out. I think it was just Monday when i repeatedly whacked my head against the heavy wooden coffee table as hard as i could. My head still feels... different, somehow.
But today... wtf. We were watching The Office on DVR. I don't know what happened. Suddenly she was terrified. She thought somebody might come in the windows. She thought they might steal her precious T-Rex. It's her most important object, she told me. (She's 36 years old. I don't think i've mentioned that yet.) I explained that they don't fetch as much on the black market as do things like guitars or HDTV sets. Do you think that mattered at all?
I picture the villain(s) dressed in black turtlenecks, like a bad guy's henchmen from Magnum, P.I. or something. And even though our apartment is on the ground floor, i bet they rappelled down the side of the building, used a diamond-tipped glass cutter to cut a perfectly circular hole in the pane so they could reach in and unlatch the window, all stealthy.
Also: i had to bring her ginger ale out and pour it in front of her so she'd be sure i wasn't poisoning her. Great. I even offered to take the first sip.
A dose of lorazepam later and she's better. But if it gets any worse, she'll have to be hospitalized yet again.
25 April 2011
Merry Thankseaster
Oh. My. Crap. She cut herself. It was directly after a horrible, heated argument sparked by her uncle's crazy attention-whore wife taking a swipe at H's beloved stepdad. It was not a pretty scene. For a minute there i thought it was Thanksgiving, but it turned out that nope, it was Easter. Fah! Shit.
So... yeah. Not an incredibly great day.
Thankfully, it isn't horrible. Just one set of cuts* with her insulin needle's tip.
* it occurs to me that i haven't really described these patternistic cuts yet. They are usually 2-4 inches long, in parallel groups of maybe 6-10 or so. Occasionally they will be highly erratic, but usually they are unnervingly even. Not perfect, just a lot more even than one might expect. Straight. The group might be somewhat off-angle, as is usually the case, probably owing to the angle of application and handedness. So, they wind up looking like tally marks, only a little on the rough side, and written in blood. (And yes, it is pretty much exactly as creepy as it sounds, only one gets used to it after a while.)
So... yeah. Not an incredibly great day.
Thankfully, it isn't horrible. Just one set of cuts* with her insulin needle's tip.
* it occurs to me that i haven't really described these patternistic cuts yet. They are usually 2-4 inches long, in parallel groups of maybe 6-10 or so. Occasionally they will be highly erratic, but usually they are unnervingly even. Not perfect, just a lot more even than one might expect. Straight. The group might be somewhat off-angle, as is usually the case, probably owing to the angle of application and handedness. So, they wind up looking like tally marks, only a little on the rough side, and written in blood. (And yes, it is pretty much exactly as creepy as it sounds, only one gets used to it after a while.)
20 April 2011
Voodoo Chile (Slight Return)
I have just been informed, immediately prior to my losing control and freaking out and smashing one of her nice plastic cups to pieces, that four days ago, Cathy cut her leg a little bit.
I really freaked out. This is all very difficult for me. I know i'm not the star of this show and that it's far harder for H, but all the same, it is still really taxing on me.
It doesn't help that i am clearly not protecting her from herself if she is continually able to do this sort of thing without me even knowing, and now that i had a meltdown about it, i'm pretty sure she's going to be more careful to keep it from me.
All of which amounts to the following carefully-determined conclusion:
FUCK.
I really freaked out. This is all very difficult for me. I know i'm not the star of this show and that it's far harder for H, but all the same, it is still really taxing on me.
It doesn't help that i am clearly not protecting her from herself if she is continually able to do this sort of thing without me even knowing, and now that i had a meltdown about it, i'm pretty sure she's going to be more careful to keep it from me.
All of which amounts to the following carefully-determined conclusion:
FUCK.
18 April 2011
Heeeeere's Cathy!
She's back.
Nothing has happened. We just know that she's back. She seems less intense. She has not taken over, as far as i know.
That is all for now.
Nothing has happened. We just know that she's back. She seems less intense. She has not taken over, as far as i know.
That is all for now.
11 April 2011
To sleep, or not to sleep?
I can't go to sleep. Last night i got only a couple of hours because i was freaked out by a deadly spider i lost track of in the apartment. I need sleep. But then, what happens if she wakes up and does something horrible?? Should i sleep now, while she's sleeping? Should i trust her for the night? I have to. I have no other choice! I can't sleep when she's awake, unless tomorrow she's okay enough to return to work. But what if tomorrow would have been okay, but tonight isn't? I think i have to just trust in her sleep cycle not being interrupted.
I am so afraid of what i may wake up to.
Good night, i think.
I hope.
I am so afraid of what i may wake up to.
Good night, i think.
I hope.
10 April 2011
Under Pressure
Suicide watch.
She's terrified of going in to work tomorrow, after having been out for a full week+. She's feeling the pressure. Plus, her shopping addiction is getting to her as well. She is feeling so much pressure right now, and her Geodon dosage just went from 20mg to 40mg per her psychiatrist, which has been making her happy but loopy, so today we went back down to 20mg. Also, she forgot to take her Ativan for most of the day, which didn't hurt so much until the end of the day when everything came crashing down on top of her.
She said she was thinking of cutting her wrists so it would all be over. She said it was only a fleeting thought, but i don't want to take any chances. She's clearly extremely anxious right now.
I needed to go to the store to get some groceries, but that will have to wait. Either she's coming with me tomorrow or i don't go. Unless she's able to return to work.
On a directly-related, yet completely-irrelevant note, this is taking a massive, massive emotional toll on me.
She's terrified of going in to work tomorrow, after having been out for a full week+. She's feeling the pressure. Plus, her shopping addiction is getting to her as well. She is feeling so much pressure right now, and her Geodon dosage just went from 20mg to 40mg per her psychiatrist, which has been making her happy but loopy, so today we went back down to 20mg. Also, she forgot to take her Ativan for most of the day, which didn't hurt so much until the end of the day when everything came crashing down on top of her.
She said she was thinking of cutting her wrists so it would all be over. She said it was only a fleeting thought, but i don't want to take any chances. She's clearly extremely anxious right now.
I needed to go to the store to get some groceries, but that will have to wait. Either she's coming with me tomorrow or i don't go. Unless she's able to return to work.
On a directly-related, yet completely-irrelevant note, this is taking a massive, massive emotional toll on me.
08 April 2011
Gravity-impaired footwear
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far, H has been doing so incredibly well on Geodon that already i have actually begun allowing her free access to her insulin needles, and even let her shave her legs in the tub by herself. She's really doing well. It really does seem like Cathy has reintegrated now. Very strange.
And very welcome.
In some weird sense, i will almost miss Cathy. She's the one alter that i came to see the most of, besides the little girl Charla. I certainly feel really bad for that part of H who became Cathy. She was a very hurt young girl, and you know my heart just really goes out to her. I felt awful all the times i couldn't seem to get through to her myself. I really wanted to help her. Certainly, she made me very angry, because she hurt my girlfriend. But now she's gone, and it's a bittersweet feeling. Were she a separate individual, i would wish her the best. As it is, i think if she's integrated back into H, then i'm happy for her.
This is all very confusing innit?
I'm happy for H and for that severely distressed part of her which was Cathy. I won't miss what Cathy did, but i can't help feeling as though someone in desperate need of help has suddenly disappeared. I wish she could have been well right from the start. I wish she had never had to go through whatever traumas she has had to experience. I know that if she's truly integrated, she'll be much, much better, and that's what i hope for her.
Well, i think that's about all i really have to say about that.
And very welcome.
In some weird sense, i will almost miss Cathy. She's the one alter that i came to see the most of, besides the little girl Charla. I certainly feel really bad for that part of H who became Cathy. She was a very hurt young girl, and you know my heart just really goes out to her. I felt awful all the times i couldn't seem to get through to her myself. I really wanted to help her. Certainly, she made me very angry, because she hurt my girlfriend. But now she's gone, and it's a bittersweet feeling. Were she a separate individual, i would wish her the best. As it is, i think if she's integrated back into H, then i'm happy for her.
This is all very confusing innit?
I'm happy for H and for that severely distressed part of her which was Cathy. I won't miss what Cathy did, but i can't help feeling as though someone in desperate need of help has suddenly disappeared. I wish she could have been well right from the start. I wish she had never had to go through whatever traumas she has had to experience. I know that if she's truly integrated, she'll be much, much better, and that's what i hope for her.
Well, i think that's about all i really have to say about that.
06 April 2011
Home again
She's home again. The hospital psychiatrist has switched her from Haldol to Geodon. She seems to be doing much better.
Interestingly, we watched the extremely intense (and brilliant) Aronofsky film Black Swan, and it didn't seem to trigger anything.
Also, Cathy seems to be gone (!). H said there is a new alter, however. This one, she said, had some slight negative trait which i have already forgotten because i was just happy it wasn't psychosis.
That is all!
Interestingly, we watched the extremely intense (and brilliant) Aronofsky film Black Swan, and it didn't seem to trigger anything.
Also, Cathy seems to be gone (!). H said there is a new alter, however. This one, she said, had some slight negative trait which i have already forgotten because i was just happy it wasn't psychosis.
That is all!
05 April 2011
Hospital stay #2, day 2
We spent the weekend bargaining. Although resolved to her fate, we still wound up not going to the hospital, until Sunday. Each day brought new cuts. She's using the lancets as her favored weapon these days...
On Friday, H tried calling her mother, although didn't call her best friend, as her friend usually does most of the talking, and H just needed someone to listen. Desperately. I think it was part of the bargaining process: wanting a second opinion.
Fearing a breakdown in communication, as both her and her mother had been casually avoiding calling each other, i sent her mother a message on Facebook pleading her to answer her phone or call H back. She called, explaining that her phone had died, and offered to come down right away. (We live a little over an hour away.) So Saturday was spent with H's mom and stepdad, and was overall a pretty good day, really.
But by Sunday morning, it was clearly time to act. Any more cuts and she'd have to start re-using space before it had healed - not to mention that i'd be liable for not taking her in for too long a time.
She's not been having a great time since. They won't let her have Ativan, so instead are giving her some other unpronounceable thing. The psychiatrist is cranky as hell with her. They barely understand the new-fangled insulin calculation method (which has been around for at least a couple years now). They make her sleep with the light on, and a group session touched her arm uninvited, which triggered an episode of lost time as well as a nice crying jag afterward. Do they not realize that some of their patients are in there because of some kind of past trauma?
Oh, and i found a paperclip on the floor in her room, just begging to be driven into flesh.
To be continued....
On Friday, H tried calling her mother, although didn't call her best friend, as her friend usually does most of the talking, and H just needed someone to listen. Desperately. I think it was part of the bargaining process: wanting a second opinion.
- You have to understand that her first hospital stay was not very positive. They never are. Hospitals have to be excruciatingly strict, and can't afford to rewrite the rules for each individual case. The local hospital, additionally - or rather, subtractionally - didn't have anyone on staff who had ever dealt with DID. In fact, not only were they excited by her tragedy enough to want to book her a speaking engagement (wtf? she's barely even begun her therapy!), but at least one nurse was thoughtless enough to advise that she "just stop" being crazy. Well... et cetera, etc., &c.
Fearing a breakdown in communication, as both her and her mother had been casually avoiding calling each other, i sent her mother a message on Facebook pleading her to answer her phone or call H back. She called, explaining that her phone had died, and offered to come down right away. (We live a little over an hour away.) So Saturday was spent with H's mom and stepdad, and was overall a pretty good day, really.
But by Sunday morning, it was clearly time to act. Any more cuts and she'd have to start re-using space before it had healed - not to mention that i'd be liable for not taking her in for too long a time.
She's not been having a great time since. They won't let her have Ativan, so instead are giving her some other unpronounceable thing. The psychiatrist is cranky as hell with her. They barely understand the new-fangled insulin calculation method (which has been around for at least a couple years now). They make her sleep with the light on, and a group session touched her arm uninvited, which triggered an episode of lost time as well as a nice crying jag afterward. Do they not realize that some of their patients are in there because of some kind of past trauma?
Oh, and i found a paperclip on the floor in her room, just begging to be driven into flesh.
To be continued....
01 April 2011
Sigh
More cutting. Really scraping more than cutting. Thankfully, latest, deftly and stealthily executed by an alter who is becoming rather adept at this skill, was done using the bobby pins i prefer for her to get her hands on, and not lancets or anything particularly sharp.
She doesn't want to go to the hospital yet. She's scared. She wants to spend time with her dogs. I understand. Time is running out though. If this behavior does not improve swiftly and dramatically, she will soon find herself being dragged there.
She doesn't want to go to the hospital yet. She's scared. She wants to spend time with her dogs. I understand. Time is running out though. If this behavior does not improve swiftly and dramatically, she will soon find herself being dragged there.
To the ER
It's official. We're going to the hospital to check H in for self-injury.
She's napping right now, and i'm waiting for a package or i'd be napping right along with her. I'm so exhausted. Last night i was up late. I needed to go to the store to get more bandages (also something to keep the dogs from eating each other's poo, but that's a story for a whole 'nother blog, brother), but i couldn't leave her alone, and she didn't want to go with, so i had to wait until she fell asleep. I had decided that i'd wait until just after her routine midnight bathroom excursion, which never came, so i headed out at 2am and didn't get back until 3. (I was also looking for a specific brand of stuffed animal to surprise her with, which neither of the two stores i visited carried, probably since they're apparently only sold online, which i didn't find out until this morning.)
Anyway, i ended up not going to sleep until almost 5am, preferring instead to sit up worrying, i guess. I woke up, of course, to a fairly bloody girlfriend. Crap! Thankfully, she's still only using very small, short things, so she's not doing any particularly bad or permanent damage.
I need to shower somehow amid all of this chaos, also, or nobody's going to be incredibly pleased to be in the same city as me, at least not during the same epoch.
She's napping right now, and i'm waiting for a package or i'd be napping right along with her. I'm so exhausted. Last night i was up late. I needed to go to the store to get more bandages (also something to keep the dogs from eating each other's poo, but that's a story for a whole 'nother blog, brother), but i couldn't leave her alone, and she didn't want to go with, so i had to wait until she fell asleep. I had decided that i'd wait until just after her routine midnight bathroom excursion, which never came, so i headed out at 2am and didn't get back until 3. (I was also looking for a specific brand of stuffed animal to surprise her with, which neither of the two stores i visited carried, probably since they're apparently only sold online, which i didn't find out until this morning.)
Anyway, i ended up not going to sleep until almost 5am, preferring instead to sit up worrying, i guess. I woke up, of course, to a fairly bloody girlfriend. Crap! Thankfully, she's still only using very small, short things, so she's not doing any particularly bad or permanent damage.
I need to shower somehow amid all of this chaos, also, or nobody's going to be incredibly pleased to be in the same city as me, at least not during the same epoch.
31 March 2011
This or that
Dr. C. finally called. H can either try stopping her new haldol Rx or go to the hospital. We're trying to avoid the hospital option, but it's clear that i can't keep my eyes on her 24/7. If we go to the hospital, it could be a grim situation, as her job hangs on the balance right now (more on that later), and the local hospital just isn't knowledgeable enough to handle patients with DID, believe it or not. The last time she was admitted (which was the first time for this kind of thing), they wanted to immediately book her for speaking engagements, for fuck's sake. I'm not even kidding. They wanted to parade her around like some sort of a freak.
She's sleeping now. We'll see if things calm down, but i bet they won't, and i bet this is gonna be a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong weekend coming up.
She's sleeping now. We'll see if things calm down, but i bet they won't, and i bet this is gonna be a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong weekend coming up.
Post the third
Jesus Christ! I cannot turn my back today. I took my eyes off of her for just a few minutes and she gouged her belly with the stabby thing from her glucose test kit. The lancet - that's it. The lancet.
Earlier (today) she'd done the same thing with a bobby pin.
(This is all before noon, btw.)
I admit that i have not hidden the bobby pins and it is intentional. "Cathy" always seems to go for them because they're handy. She'll use whatever's around, so i've tried my best to hide things like knives, scissors, screwdrivers, tape dispensers, etc. In fact, i really wish i knew where i put some of that shit, actually. Bobby pins are rarely lethal. I prefer she not have to improvise, because i cannot possibly predict what she might come up with to use.
I am still waiting to hear back from Dr. C. If i take her to the hospital, they will keep her for a few days. Maybe that's what she needs, but we've already done that and it turned out to be more of a negative experience than we would have liked. Not that we were expecting it to be enjoyable.
Note to self: write about that at some point.
Earlier (today) she'd done the same thing with a bobby pin.
(This is all before noon, btw.)
I admit that i have not hidden the bobby pins and it is intentional. "Cathy" always seems to go for them because they're handy. She'll use whatever's around, so i've tried my best to hide things like knives, scissors, screwdrivers, tape dispensers, etc. In fact, i really wish i knew where i put some of that shit, actually. Bobby pins are rarely lethal. I prefer she not have to improvise, because i cannot possibly predict what she might come up with to use.
I am still waiting to hear back from Dr. C. If i take her to the hospital, they will keep her for a few days. Maybe that's what she needs, but we've already done that and it turned out to be more of a negative experience than we would have liked. Not that we were expecting it to be enjoyable.
Note to self: write about that at some point.
Second post
H, my SO, is staying home today. Her alters are very agitated so she can't go to work. One of them (Cathy) is trying like mad to hurt her. I've got this covered, but DAMN this is difficult emotionally.
On top of that, i'm super tired from staying up all night worrying. Thankfully, H is sleeping now. I left a message on her psychiatrist's voicemail asking if there's anything i can try. She's still very new at seeing psychedoctors and having prescriptions and getting the help that she needs. So maybe we just need to ramp something up, or ramp something down, medicine-wise. She's not quite calm enough to meditate.
My knuckle still hurts a little from yesterday, when i punched a wood & cord style baby gate we use for the dogs. It was the most punchable object around at the time, and her alter Cathy had just scratched the hell out of H's leg after having promised me that she wouldn't do it again.
I know that punching things is counterproductive. I just needed to do it at the time. I don't usually go around punching things. That's part of the reason i made this blog. I need ventilation. Things have been... difficult.
On top of that, i'm super tired from staying up all night worrying. Thankfully, H is sleeping now. I left a message on her psychiatrist's voicemail asking if there's anything i can try. She's still very new at seeing psychedoctors and having prescriptions and getting the help that she needs. So maybe we just need to ramp something up, or ramp something down, medicine-wise. She's not quite calm enough to meditate.
My knuckle still hurts a little from yesterday, when i punched a wood & cord style baby gate we use for the dogs. It was the most punchable object around at the time, and her alter Cathy had just scratched the hell out of H's leg after having promised me that she wouldn't do it again.
I know that punching things is counterproductive. I just needed to do it at the time. I don't usually go around punching things. That's part of the reason i made this blog. I need ventilation. Things have been... difficult.
30 March 2011
First post
This is my first post, which i am creating primarily so i can layout the page. I'm already all over the internet as it is, but this blog is intentionally anonymous. This is where i can let it all out. All the frustration, the despair, the pain, and even the tiny victories that come with loving someone who has Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Everything past this point will be nonsense. And i don't just mean the text below.
Everything past this point will be nonsense. And i don't just mean the text below.
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Nulla pharetra sodales tempus. Praesent at tellus arcu, ac viverra justo. Sed sit amet lacus sed dui varius volutpat non eu lectus. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Nullam vel nulla eget leo tincidunt hendrerit ac id elit. Nulla quis vulputate nulla. Morbi scelerisque porta dolor, at auctor nulla sodales sit amet. Etiam ultrices diam in orci malesuada nec tincidunt est sagittis. Curabitur consequat hendrerit venenatis. Etiam luctus dapibus enim, a scelerisque massa commodo quis. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec id tellus sit amet ipsum accumsan porta. Ut quis nisl a est ullamcorper pulvinar vitae non nisl. Sed ornare porta lectus sed pellentesque. In laoreet tortor non mi aliquam iaculis. Nulla sed elit leo, non elementum lorem. Vestibulum tincidunt ornare luctus.
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Nulla pharetra sodales tempus. Praesent at tellus arcu, ac viverra justo. Sed sit amet lacus sed dui varius volutpat non eu lectus. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Nullam vel nulla eget leo tincidunt hendrerit ac id elit. Nulla quis vulputate nulla. Morbi scelerisque porta dolor, at auctor nulla sodales sit amet. Etiam ultrices diam in orci malesuada nec tincidunt est sagittis. Curabitur consequat hendrerit venenatis. Etiam luctus dapibus enim, a scelerisque massa commodo quis. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec id tellus sit amet ipsum accumsan porta. Ut quis nisl a est ullamcorper pulvinar vitae non nisl. Sed ornare porta lectus sed pellentesque. In laoreet tortor non mi aliquam iaculis. Nulla sed elit leo, non elementum lorem. Vestibulum tincidunt ornare luctus.
Aenean id sapien sit amet nisi dapibus gravida. Fusce vitae lacus nec diam venenatis dignissim in quis nibh. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Vestibulum luctus ante nec purus eleifend feugiat. Aliquam erat volutpat. Nunc laoreet, velit eget facilisis consectetur, tortor lectus eleifend dolor, ut tincidunt diam nisl sed dolor. Morbi metus ipsum, tincidunt nec laoreet id, fringilla eget lacus. Fusce et nunc nibh, sit amet rhoncus turpis. Donec tristique blandit posuere. Maecenas ullamcorper leo sed elit sollicitudin sed vulputate mi dignissim.
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