Turned away

So i worked a late shift on Sunday night. I got home around 2am. H said the next day that Victor was being really crazy and trying to scare her. She heard the doorknob rattling as if someone was trying to get in, but it was just an auditory hallucination. She was in a bad state and resumed cutting herself with her insulin needles. Obviously, the cuts are only skin deep. No big deal, really, but she told me that she'd had some suicidal ideation. However, she said she didn't try to act on it; it was only fleeting. This whole business kind of went on and she'd cut herself again and finally i decided i'd had it with the whole mess and told her she was definitely going into the hospital, where i assumed they'd keep for another 4-5 days like the last couple of times.

I did a little bit of punching, too. Not her! Christ, no! I punched the trash can, and i think that was the day i head-butted my PC (which is running just fine, more or less, thanks). I also somehow bruised my knee. I think it was on a door. Oh and i threw my mouse pretty hard down the hallway. Frustration got the better of me.

Shortly before we were to head out the door, she had to take some insulin and did it right in front of me. She didn't appear to know what she was doing. She seemed automatic and not present. When we got outside, she went in one direction while i went another. I got in the car and made it to where she was, maybe 80 yards away or so.

They didn't keep her this time. I guess they must have had some space issues. They said she didn't fit the criteria for holding her there so they were just gonna release her.

She's now on Haldol in addition to her other meds. She's been a little more stable. I worry about the combination of Haldol and Geodon, because the pharmacist said she had to override it and mark that i had been advised and understood that an interaction can happen resulting in heart arrhythmia. Sigh.

Also, i had to take a third day off of work in as many weeks. We only get one day per month. They were really shitty with me. Just really snotty about it. Fuck 'em. I'll find another job soon i hope. I went ahead and assumed i was fired since they strongly suggested it would happen. Weh.

Addendum

So last night was not pleasant, but my simplified, condensed version was a little dramatic, not to mention how bent out of shape i was at the time i typed it. Suffice it to say that H and i were both a little unprepared for each other's reactions. She was, in her own words, being a brat (really, i would say not so much a brat but just a little needy and whiny), and i was being negatively defensive. We both became hypersensitive and things got blown out of proportion.

I did kick the hell out of the baby-gate, and i did noisily throw the hell out of the trash into the dumpster. I did yell a bit. She did cry. I did hand her the phone, angered that she implied that i had injured her by applying peroxide to her fresh cuts, which she did lock herself in the bathroom to apply, leaving me to attempt to force my way in to stop her from doing so. She did open the door while i was making this attempt.

We did apologize to one another.

Such is stress. Things get out of hand, exacerbated by this intense thing she is experiencing, which seems now to be a combination of schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder. I get overly frustrated.

To be honest, i thought that things would get better as i started working and bringing in a little income to help with the bills, but in reality, i am more unavailable, and have in fact yet to see my first check, much less my first full paycheck, which will rarely ever have full-time hours posted within.

Also i have been rather sick lately, and working in a very hot environment. The car's timing belt is in dire need of repair, and thanks to the design of the New Beetle's engine, if it breaks it could cause serious engine damage which we cannot afford. So along with that worry, i take my breaks in a hot, non- air-conditioned vehicle, parked out in the hot summer sun. I come home worn the fuck out and having to face the painful reality of her mental state is not at all a welcome respite from anything.

Even so, i overreacted badly. Everything is a learning experience now.

none more black

Home from work. Crabby attitude, huh? SCREAMING MATCH THEN. Cutter strikes again. Fuck. Wiping the new cuts with peroxide: i'm hurting you, eh? Here's the phone, call the police. I'll be waiting for them outside.

Ashe gets violent with the dogs' baby-gate and the trash.

FUUUUUCK                     EVERYTHING.

The Compromise

...so i immediately got a job. A warehouse job. It's hot, and fairly gruelling, but it's honest damn work, and it beats sitting in a goddamn cubicle defending some asshole corporation against outraged and often selfish customers over a headset. It doesn't pay real well, and the hours are completely unpredictable, ranging somewhere between 9:30am and 10pm. Generally, i only know what my hours even are the day before my shift. Oddly, with hours like these, i'm only part-time.

But like i said, it's honest work. It's work. What else can i say about that?

Anyway, the point was that i had been worrying about how H, who now has a new alter who tries his best to scare her and feed her paranoia, would fare without me being around to help her or guard her against, as it turns out, herself.

And the first few days were not too bad. She has to take a scary taxi home from her job (she doesn't drive and never has), and sometimes she has minor freakouts, which she can usually sort of control with her Xanax and her Ativan.

Then, today, on my day off, she cut herself again. The first time in weeks.

Face, meet palm.